Kitty in Exile -- Part V

Okay, two clarifications:

1) I was in no way, shape or form drunk when I posted on Saturday. Just depressed. Trust me, it takes a heck of a lot more than a single glass of wine to get me toasted.

2) I only mentioned that I MIGHT have "gone there" with Squirrel Boy in my depressed and vulnerable state. Probably not. On further contemplation, almost definitely not. 'Cause I'm about 99.99% sure the "Ew" factor would have kicked in pretty dang quick.

That is all. For now anyway.

Oh yeah, and anyone reading this blog should come see Die Fledermaus next weekend at Town Hall! :)

Very Angry Kitty in Exile!!!

Well, I've had my first personal ramification for Jason's screw up. I now have ONE TENTH of the credit limit on my Alaska Airlines card that I used to, due to the big blotch on my credit report that is entirely his fault. Okay, I do need to take responsibility for my own part in this. But since when did trusting and believing one's spouse become a crime or a liability? It's not like I completely left him on his own on this one. I asked multiple times whether he was making the payments and whether he was having trouble. And he always assured me that he was making them and that everything was fine. Yet I'm held responsible.

Damme, this sucks!

I am so beyond pissed off right now at that man. It will be a while before I can speak to him, 'cause I'm quite sure I won't be able to speak without screaming.

And sad as this is to say, right now I don't even want to stay together. I'm that angry. Hopefully the anger will abate in a day or two, and I'll be able to look at things clearly again. Let's just say that I'm really glad right now to be in my own place.

Now, of course, I'm just praying with all my might that I'm able to hold things together financially and that no emergencies or disasters come my way that would have required me to utilize a "safety net" that I no longer have. Truth be told, under normal circumstances, I don't need much in the way of a credit line. I'm not exactly an extravagant spender. Still, it was nice to have it, in case of emergencies. No more. Sigh ...

Kitty in Exile -- Part III

Crap, I'm lonely! I have no idea why it has hit me so hard tonight, but it has, and I'm unusually melancholy. I want someone to sleep with and cuddle with and share my innermost secrets with. It has taken every ounce of my self control not to call Jason and either ask him to come over or go over there. But I know I can't do that. Not if I still want to respect myself and have any hope of affecting change. I'm way too vulnerable right now.

Thank God that Squirrel Boy gave up on his pursuit of me long ago. Right now, he might have actually succeeded in his seduction. Ew! Yet, the way I feel right now, I might have actually gone there. Again ... ew!

I am pretty proud of myself for having been so good about domestic matters. I've been cooking for myself. Nothing fancy, and often it's semi-prepared food, but I'm still doing all of it, and not resorting to fast food and delivery. Plus, I'm actually cleaning up after myself and washing dishes right after I use them. Wow! Who'd have thunk, huh? I make my bed every morning, and put my clothes away every night. Granted, I haven't done any laundry yet. Still need to get quarters for that.

On further contemplation, I probably shouldn't have had that glass of wine, seeing as I was already in a depressed mood. It was nice though. And I couldn't resist the name -- Herding Cats. It's from South Africa. With a leopard on the label.

I've not been feeling terribly optimistic lately about my chances for success in this marriage. I'm also quite convinced that Jason did have sex with that woman in the bushes at Kat's toga party, and then lied to me about it. What the hell, he's lied to me about everything else. Kind of makes me think of the opportunities I've had -- though few and far between -- to have cheated on him. Yet I didn't. Then again, I'm also honest about when I screw up, and take responsibility for my own actions, and actually pay all my bills.

Yeah, not one of my better Saturdays. But, as I said as Esmirelda in Death & Deceit, no matter what happens, I will survive (cue music for the Gloria Gaynor song).

Meow meow!

Kitty in Exile -- Part II

Well, I survived my first weekend on my own. I'm really hoping this gets easier. 'Cause I'm not exactly expecting people to plan activities for me to fill up my time. Yes, I know, I can plan activities too ... that's not the point ...

It did end up being a busy weekend, between a callback audition Saturday, a birthday party Saturday night (that I sort of crashed ... only sort of, since I actually knew the birthday girl, and was invited last minute by a mutual friend), rehearsal on Sunday, and then hanging out at Kat & Chryste's Sunday evening. I'm still trying to figure out who thinks Whittacre is "abnormally shy and withdrawn". He certainly isn't around me, that's for sure! There's just something so precious about a 7 year old boy with an active imagination and way-over-average intelligence. Also fun was watching Clue, complete with narration by said 7-year old, and two 10 year old girls. Then completing the evening hanging out with burlesque performers creating new costumes mainly by gluing rhinestones on to various pieces of underwear.

So the loneliness is getting better, but it's still there. I can't help but realize that while I'm hoping this separation is temporary, I'm also aware, on an intellectual level anyway, that it might not be. I honestly don't know what to expect from Jason as far as outcome. Some days I feel very optimistic. Other days ... not so much. After all, he's had so much time and so many opportunities to make even the smallest of changes, yet he never does. My head tells me if we don't end up staying together, I will be able to handle it. My heart isn't quite so sure.

One thing I must admit I really enjoy is living in a clean, organized apartment, and not a place that has random crap piled up everywhere, and trash filled to overflowing, and a dishwasher that seems to need to be refilled and run every other day, and pieces of clothing strewn about everywhere, and never enough room to put things away. I definitely hold myself responsible for a lot of the clutter and chaos that is the Bellevue townhouse. Still, it's really hard to keep things neat and clean, or even want to, when the person you are living with just messes and dirties things up again and doesn't give a shit. And then yells at you for putting things away because he can't find them. And seems to think that every kitchen appliance and tool we own needs to be left out on the counter indefinitely.

I did see Jason on Saturday. I'm still serving as one of his "homework projects" for his massage therapy class. The 30-minute foot massage was quite nice. Next week they're getting in to shoulders. I'm definitely looking forward to that. But I am going to try not to go by the Bellevue place until he calls me for the massage practice. I think I have everything I need for now, but we'll see.

Oddly enough, I find myself wishing I could go out on an honest-to-god date. Granted, the few men I know that I think would want to date me aren't ones I'm interested in that way. And I am very much still a married woman. I'm just thinking how nice that would be, for someone to come pick me up, and take me out somewhere, and just have a good time getting to know each other better. Stupid, I know. And not very likely to happen.

On a happier note, I found out today that I will be working at Second Story Rep again -- yay!! Oddly enough, of all the possible outcomes I predicted for myself with equal probability -- 1) being offered the role I read for, 2) being offered a chorus role, or 3) not being cast at all -- I ended up with none of them. Instead, I was offered another (smaller) role than the one I read for, which I wasn't expecting. Still, it's a role, and a paid gig, and I really liked working at Second Story last year, so I'm quite pleased. Hopefully, I won't end up having to sing tenor on this one (though it is the same music director, so you never know ...) And if anyone besides myself is actually reading this blog, and got this far, the role is Cousin Hebe in HMS Pinafore. Show performs in April, though I don't remember the exact dates. Either 4 or 5 weekends.

At some point this next week, I need to check out the 24-Hour Fitness in Queen Anne. That's the next hurdle I need to get over. I really need to get back in to working out regularly. There's no way I'll be able to afford a trainer for a while, but since I'm still paying membership fees at 24-Hour, and can use any club in the area (or is it nationwide ... I don't remember ...), I really should avail myself of what the club itself can offer. Which is significant. And I feel so much better when I'm working out. I have rehearsal Tuesday and Wednesday, but I could go Thursday.

Okay, enough blogging for one night. Meow meow!

Kitty in Exile -- Part I

So, I finally did it. I moved out. Granted, this is meant to be a temporary thing. I'm giving Jason two months to see if he really wants to make the changes I need for our marriage to work. If he is unwilling, or unable, to do those things, then I guess it will be quite a bit less temporary. I honestly don't know what to expect anymore. But I know something has to change, even if it means I walk away from a 15 year relationship and 8 year marriage.

I don't know whether I'm being brave, or extremely cowardly, or what. I have a strong feeling that most of my friends never expected me to actually take this step. After all, this isn't exactly a new problem. I guess I actually did have a breaking point after all. Who knew?

Thanks to some financial assistance from my parents, I've been able to afford to rent an adorable furnished 1-bedroom apartment on the north side of Queen Anne Hill here in Seattle. Having lived in the Puget Sound area since 1994, this is actually the first time I've lived within the Seattle city limits. I guess that means I get to complain about Mayor Nickels like the rest of the Seattleites. At least I have the small comfort that I didn't vote for the man ...

I really hope it doesn't snow again. There's still a sign on the corner where the building is that says "Road Closed -- Snow Closure". Or something like that. Yeah, I'd be totally hosed living here if we got another storm like we did in December. So let's all keep our fingers crossed, 'kay?

Little by little I'm settling in. Of course, it's still strange, since none of the furnishings, decorations, or a majority of the household items are mine. I brought over a lot of my stuff -- my winter clothes, toiletries, and other little personal things. And my keyboard and a large portion of my music books. Some CDs and DVDs, and a few books.

It's strange the things you take for granted when you've been living in a place for a while. Things that are just always there, like cleaning supplies, cooking basics (salt, pepper, olive oil ... you know ...). Oh, and toilet paper. My first night here, I noticed that there was no toilet paper. So I made my first trip to the store. Just a small one. Then yesterday, I ventured out across the Ballard Bridge to hit Fred Meyer for a bigger trip. Again, lots of those household basics. Which is why $220 later, I still have very little actual food in my fridge and cupboard.

And yet, I'm feeling strangely proud of myself. I made myself a nice dinner last night -- pan fried salmon with boil-in-bag rice and steamed asparagus. There was enough left over that I had the rest of it for dinner tonight. Yum! So far it hasn't been difficult for me to keep up with cleaning up after myself. However, knowing what a lousy housekeeper I usually am, I'm wondering whether this will last. If so, that will be very telling as to the effect Jason's habits have affected me.

I've had some lonely moments too. Evenings aren't so bad, since I'd gotten used to being on my own with Jason's work and school schedule. But later at night, and around bedtime ... that's hard. I hope it gets easier. Though I must say that if anyone tells me a 30-something woman with a college degree and a good job shouldn't be sleeping with stuffed animals, I will have to kick them in the ass. Or someplace more sensitive.

I guess that's enough of my rambling for one night. I've got my 2nd callback for HMS Pinafore tomorrow. I honestly don't know what my chances are, but I'm not all that worried. Either I'll get it, or I won't. It's not like it's a dream role or dream show, though I do like working with the company. Trying to be very zen about the whole thing. I just hope whatever the outcome, they don't keep me hanging, like they did with Urinetown last year (granted, I gave up after 3 weeks, but still ...)

Meow meow!