Kitty in Exile -- Part VII

I had a very interesting, and somewhat eye-opening, conversation yesterday. Since I've now reached the "half-way-point" in my temporary separation, I'm feeling like I now need to start thinking about what to do next.

What I now realize is that at this point, I'm not ready to go back. There are just too many unresolved trust issues, and I'm not seeing Jason take any steps to prove that he even wants to work on his issues, let alone actually do something to work on them. And I'm not willing to live my life in a marriage where I have to question and doubt everything my husband says and does. Which I will.

Granted, I still have another month. Things could change. However, my gut reaction, as well as my intellectual reaction, is that they won't. So, barring a miraculous change of heart in the next few weeks, I now know what I'm going to have to do. Thus comes the hard part.

I do know that I'm not willing to give up on Jason or our marriage entirely. Not yet. I still love him, and miss his company, and like to be with him. However, I also know that I've come to like the person I am when I'm not with him, and I just can't go back to being forced into being the person that I was (that he wanted me to be). I know I'm not strong enough right now to go back and not fall back in those patterns. I don't know if I ever will be, nor do I know if I'll ever want to have to fight that hard just to stay in a relationship and still maintain the sense of self I've seen emerging in the past month.

Sooooo ... again, barring a last-minute epiphany on Jason's part, it looks like I may have to move to a more long-term separation. Move out completely. And stop paying for rent and utilities at the Bellevue place. That's the hard part. Not so much on a personal level -- moving sucks, but it's hardly insurmountable. The inevitable dividing of the stuff will be tough, but truly, I'm not so attached to any of our marital "assets" that having to replace them would destroy me, personally or financially. The hardest part for me is worrying about how Jason would survive being truly on his own. He's so used to having me to rely on, financially anyway, that I'm afraid he's forgotten how to support himself. Granted, thousands of people support themselves (plus families sometimes) and hold down jobs while they put themselves through school all the time -- people far less intelligent and capable than Jason. Still, I know that his first reaction will be "I can't ..."

Which may be exactly why I need to do this. Doesn't make it any easier for me though. Damn that overly-developed sense of responsibility anyway! :)

Lots to ponder, lots to consider.

Meow!