I am now most curious. Had lunch today with a friend, who mentioned that she noticed that lately I was more "like me". My mother had a similar comment for me when she came up to see Die Fledermaus -- that I seemed to like myself a lot more now.
I'm wondering if anyone else has had the same observation. Those of you who read this blog (few though you may be) are free to comment. No insults or sarcasm, please.
I just find this so fascinating.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Kitty in Exile -- Part VII
I had a very interesting, and somewhat eye-opening, conversation yesterday. Since I've now reached the "half-way-point" in my temporary separation, I'm feeling like I now need to start thinking about what to do next.
What I now realize is that at this point, I'm not ready to go back. There are just too many unresolved trust issues, and I'm not seeing Jason take any steps to prove that he even wants to work on his issues, let alone actually do something to work on them. And I'm not willing to live my life in a marriage where I have to question and doubt everything my husband says and does. Which I will.
Granted, I still have another month. Things could change. However, my gut reaction, as well as my intellectual reaction, is that they won't. So, barring a miraculous change of heart in the next few weeks, I now know what I'm going to have to do. Thus comes the hard part.
I do know that I'm not willing to give up on Jason or our marriage entirely. Not yet. I still love him, and miss his company, and like to be with him. However, I also know that I've come to like the person I am when I'm not with him, and I just can't go back to being forced into being the person that I was (that he wanted me to be). I know I'm not strong enough right now to go back and not fall back in those patterns. I don't know if I ever will be, nor do I know if I'll ever want to have to fight that hard just to stay in a relationship and still maintain the sense of self I've seen emerging in the past month.
Sooooo ... again, barring a last-minute epiphany on Jason's part, it looks like I may have to move to a more long-term separation. Move out completely. And stop paying for rent and utilities at the Bellevue place. That's the hard part. Not so much on a personal level -- moving sucks, but it's hardly insurmountable. The inevitable dividing of the stuff will be tough, but truly, I'm not so attached to any of our marital "assets" that having to replace them would destroy me, personally or financially. The hardest part for me is worrying about how Jason would survive being truly on his own. He's so used to having me to rely on, financially anyway, that I'm afraid he's forgotten how to support himself. Granted, thousands of people support themselves (plus families sometimes) and hold down jobs while they put themselves through school all the time -- people far less intelligent and capable than Jason. Still, I know that his first reaction will be "I can't ..."
Which may be exactly why I need to do this. Doesn't make it any easier for me though. Damn that overly-developed sense of responsibility anyway! :)
Lots to ponder, lots to consider.
Meow!
What I now realize is that at this point, I'm not ready to go back. There are just too many unresolved trust issues, and I'm not seeing Jason take any steps to prove that he even wants to work on his issues, let alone actually do something to work on them. And I'm not willing to live my life in a marriage where I have to question and doubt everything my husband says and does. Which I will.
Granted, I still have another month. Things could change. However, my gut reaction, as well as my intellectual reaction, is that they won't. So, barring a miraculous change of heart in the next few weeks, I now know what I'm going to have to do. Thus comes the hard part.
I do know that I'm not willing to give up on Jason or our marriage entirely. Not yet. I still love him, and miss his company, and like to be with him. However, I also know that I've come to like the person I am when I'm not with him, and I just can't go back to being forced into being the person that I was (that he wanted me to be). I know I'm not strong enough right now to go back and not fall back in those patterns. I don't know if I ever will be, nor do I know if I'll ever want to have to fight that hard just to stay in a relationship and still maintain the sense of self I've seen emerging in the past month.
Sooooo ... again, barring a last-minute epiphany on Jason's part, it looks like I may have to move to a more long-term separation. Move out completely. And stop paying for rent and utilities at the Bellevue place. That's the hard part. Not so much on a personal level -- moving sucks, but it's hardly insurmountable. The inevitable dividing of the stuff will be tough, but truly, I'm not so attached to any of our marital "assets" that having to replace them would destroy me, personally or financially. The hardest part for me is worrying about how Jason would survive being truly on his own. He's so used to having me to rely on, financially anyway, that I'm afraid he's forgotten how to support himself. Granted, thousands of people support themselves (plus families sometimes) and hold down jobs while they put themselves through school all the time -- people far less intelligent and capable than Jason. Still, I know that his first reaction will be "I can't ..."
Which may be exactly why I need to do this. Doesn't make it any easier for me though. Damn that overly-developed sense of responsibility anyway! :)
Lots to ponder, lots to consider.
Meow!
Monday, February 9, 2009
Kitty in Exile -- Part VI
Well, I've been here almost a month now. It's been an interesting journey of self-discovery. Some of the things I've learned about myself are, in no particular order:
1) I actually really enjoy living in a clean, tidy apartment. And when it's just me, it's not all that hard, physically or mentally, to keep it that way.
2) I'm discovering that I am more capable of managing things on my own than I had given myself credit for.
3) Cooking meals for yourself really isn't all that hard. Neither is cleaning up after yourself after cooking.
4) I don't have to resort to fast food take-out every night during Tech Week of a show.
5) "Break and Bake" cookie dough is evil. They are very convenient, and also quite tasty. Hence the evil part.
6) I'm spending a lot less money by only shopping for myself than I ever did with Jason. Even though he supposedly contributed to the food budget.
7) I much prefer knitting with aluminum needles than with bamboo. Probably because I'm a very tight knitter. The fact that I've done enough knitting to know that, having only started a month and a half ago, is very telling.
8) Based on the pictures Jenni took from Die Fledermaus, I don't actually look as bad on stage as I thought I did. In some shots, I'm actually pretty. Wow! Who knew?
9) I'm beginning to suspect that Jason is, and has been for some time, feeling threatened by me. Specifically, by my successes (albeit small ones) and developing feelings of self-confidence.
10) I think possibly Jason's whole "I'm not capable of doing XX so you're going to have to do it for me" mentality is a subconscious (or maybe not all that subconscious) way of exerting dominance over me by making me do what he wants, and forcing me into a position where I have to do it in order to protect my own interests (e.g. paying all the bills).
11) I don't take well to being dominated (okay, this is not exactly a revelation). I don't mind being directed, and actually enjoy being mentored and coached. Domination, though, not so much. I'm realizing all the bosses I've ever had that I didn't get along with and/or didn't care for were the ones that tended towards a dominating relationship with subordinates.
12) I have had many small successes in my life, both personally and professionally. None of which were impacted in any way by any action of Jason's. He didn't make me a success, nor has he kept me from it.
13) Getting up in the morning and going to work has become, if not a joy, then at least tolerable. Much more so than it has been in the past several months.
14) I am more talented, in many ways, than I usually give myself credit for.
15) I'm thinking that I might actually enjoy moving in to a management/leadership position at work. Not executive level or anything like that, but a lower level of management. I also think I'd enjoy learning about and training for such a position.
16) I don't need Jason in my life nearly as much as he needs me. That is not to say that I don't want him in my life. Because I do. But (I think) I'm learning the difference between "want" and "need" in a relationship.
17) I think I now understand why some of the "old time" members of the Seattle Gilbert & Sullivan Society have been doing shows with them for so long. What a wonderful theatre family they were during Fledermaus!
18) I'm oddly proud of the two knit scarves I have finished. Especially the blue cashmere/merino blend in the basketweave pattern. I'm in great danger of becoming addicted to knitting, if I'm not there already.
So, yeah. Some interesting stuff (yeah, right ...). I've got this place for another month, and then we'll just have to see where life takes me from there.
Meow!
1) I actually really enjoy living in a clean, tidy apartment. And when it's just me, it's not all that hard, physically or mentally, to keep it that way.
2) I'm discovering that I am more capable of managing things on my own than I had given myself credit for.
3) Cooking meals for yourself really isn't all that hard. Neither is cleaning up after yourself after cooking.
4) I don't have to resort to fast food take-out every night during Tech Week of a show.
5) "Break and Bake" cookie dough is evil. They are very convenient, and also quite tasty. Hence the evil part.
6) I'm spending a lot less money by only shopping for myself than I ever did with Jason. Even though he supposedly contributed to the food budget.
7) I much prefer knitting with aluminum needles than with bamboo. Probably because I'm a very tight knitter. The fact that I've done enough knitting to know that, having only started a month and a half ago, is very telling.
8) Based on the pictures Jenni took from Die Fledermaus, I don't actually look as bad on stage as I thought I did. In some shots, I'm actually pretty. Wow! Who knew?
9) I'm beginning to suspect that Jason is, and has been for some time, feeling threatened by me. Specifically, by my successes (albeit small ones) and developing feelings of self-confidence.
10) I think possibly Jason's whole "I'm not capable of doing XX so you're going to have to do it for me" mentality is a subconscious (or maybe not all that subconscious) way of exerting dominance over me by making me do what he wants, and forcing me into a position where I have to do it in order to protect my own interests (e.g. paying all the bills).
11) I don't take well to being dominated (okay, this is not exactly a revelation). I don't mind being directed, and actually enjoy being mentored and coached. Domination, though, not so much. I'm realizing all the bosses I've ever had that I didn't get along with and/or didn't care for were the ones that tended towards a dominating relationship with subordinates.
12) I have had many small successes in my life, both personally and professionally. None of which were impacted in any way by any action of Jason's. He didn't make me a success, nor has he kept me from it.
13) Getting up in the morning and going to work has become, if not a joy, then at least tolerable. Much more so than it has been in the past several months.
14) I am more talented, in many ways, than I usually give myself credit for.
15) I'm thinking that I might actually enjoy moving in to a management/leadership position at work. Not executive level or anything like that, but a lower level of management. I also think I'd enjoy learning about and training for such a position.
16) I don't need Jason in my life nearly as much as he needs me. That is not to say that I don't want him in my life. Because I do. But (I think) I'm learning the difference between "want" and "need" in a relationship.
17) I think I now understand why some of the "old time" members of the Seattle Gilbert & Sullivan Society have been doing shows with them for so long. What a wonderful theatre family they were during Fledermaus!
18) I'm oddly proud of the two knit scarves I have finished. Especially the blue cashmere/merino blend in the basketweave pattern. I'm in great danger of becoming addicted to knitting, if I'm not there already.
So, yeah. Some interesting stuff (yeah, right ...). I've got this place for another month, and then we'll just have to see where life takes me from there.
Meow!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
