Anchors Away!!

The HMS Pinafore is about to set sail!

I'm absolutely thrilled to be a part of such a wonderful cast over at Second Story Repertory (at Redmond Town Center), and I hope everyone comes out to see this excellent show. We open on Friday, April 3rd and perform for five weekends.

Fantastic voices, excellent acting, stunning costumes, and sailors in really tight pants ... what's not to love?

For more information, go to http://www.secondstoryrep.org/

Kitty's New Home

Well, I'm almost completely moved in to my new apartment, and I absolutely love it!! It's just so cute and comfortable and feeling more like mine every day. And I have just the right amount of furniture to fill it up, but not have it be overcrowded. Same thing with "stuff".

My parents bought me the most wonderful housewarming gifts -- a new vacuum cleaner, various tools (mostly the ones needed to assemble the IKEA furniture), a TV stand, and best of all a new couch (both from ... you guessed it ... IKEA!). It was a very successful move, done in excellent time. I had a great moving crew made up of wonderful friends and my parents, and we actually had some fun with it, despite the awkwardness of the situation. Though I probably shouldn't tell Dutch that I ended up giving Jason back the Bombay Sapphire (it's not like I drink gin anyway, and I did take the Celtic Crossing ...)

So far I have the kitchen completely unpacked and put away, all the books put away -- for the first time ever, all my music books and binders fit in the bookcase!!! -- and all the linens put away in the linen closet. I've already made a couple of purchases of things I needed; namely a toaster and a set of everyday dishes. I still have to put away clothes, toiletries, and other random items. And get the rest of my clothes and things that I still have over at the Bellevue place. Then I can start decorating!

Hopefully after Pinafore opens this week (note to self: never move during Tech Week of a show ever again!) I'll have some time to get things more organized, so that I can have people over for an apartment warming party. And then everyone can see my adorable apartment, with its view of the Space Needle from the living room. Yay!!

Meow!

Kitty in Transition

So ... yeah. The "temporary" separation is becoming more permanent. While I'm not making any long-term final-type decisions right now, I have signed a year's lease for a new apartment on my own. As difficult as this is, I'm also very proud of how far I've come and grown in the last couple of months.

So now comes the really hard part -- the separating of The Stuff. Granted, I'm not all that attached to very many material posessions (one of the issues in our marriage, actually, as material "things" are VERY important to Jason). On the other hand, there are some things that I'd really like to keep. And on a more practical note, I can't afford to replace everything in terms of furniture, equipment, household items, etc. I just hope this doesn't turn out ugly.

I'm also hoping that Jason is now going to be able to cope and move on with his life. His reaction and behavior over the past couple weeks really frightened me. Thank God his mother was able to come up and give him the support that he wasn't willing to accept from anyone else. He may never forgive me for being the one to break the news to her, but I know I did the right thing. If anything, I just wish I had done it sooner. I'm also anxious to find out what he plans to do now -- whether he plans to stay here and go back to the massage program, or if he's going to try something else, or if he's going to go back to Bakersfield for a while. I'm hoping he'll be able to talk to me about it soon.

At any rate, this should be interesting. I'm not afraid any more, now that I know I can live on my own and take care of myself. That doesn't make it any less hard. But it's also exciting.

Meow!

Kitty in Exile -- Part VIII

I am now most curious. Had lunch today with a friend, who mentioned that she noticed that lately I was more "like me". My mother had a similar comment for me when she came up to see Die Fledermaus -- that I seemed to like myself a lot more now.

I'm wondering if anyone else has had the same observation. Those of you who read this blog (few though you may be) are free to comment. No insults or sarcasm, please.

I just find this so fascinating.

Kitty in Exile -- Part VII

I had a very interesting, and somewhat eye-opening, conversation yesterday. Since I've now reached the "half-way-point" in my temporary separation, I'm feeling like I now need to start thinking about what to do next.

What I now realize is that at this point, I'm not ready to go back. There are just too many unresolved trust issues, and I'm not seeing Jason take any steps to prove that he even wants to work on his issues, let alone actually do something to work on them. And I'm not willing to live my life in a marriage where I have to question and doubt everything my husband says and does. Which I will.

Granted, I still have another month. Things could change. However, my gut reaction, as well as my intellectual reaction, is that they won't. So, barring a miraculous change of heart in the next few weeks, I now know what I'm going to have to do. Thus comes the hard part.

I do know that I'm not willing to give up on Jason or our marriage entirely. Not yet. I still love him, and miss his company, and like to be with him. However, I also know that I've come to like the person I am when I'm not with him, and I just can't go back to being forced into being the person that I was (that he wanted me to be). I know I'm not strong enough right now to go back and not fall back in those patterns. I don't know if I ever will be, nor do I know if I'll ever want to have to fight that hard just to stay in a relationship and still maintain the sense of self I've seen emerging in the past month.

Sooooo ... again, barring a last-minute epiphany on Jason's part, it looks like I may have to move to a more long-term separation. Move out completely. And stop paying for rent and utilities at the Bellevue place. That's the hard part. Not so much on a personal level -- moving sucks, but it's hardly insurmountable. The inevitable dividing of the stuff will be tough, but truly, I'm not so attached to any of our marital "assets" that having to replace them would destroy me, personally or financially. The hardest part for me is worrying about how Jason would survive being truly on his own. He's so used to having me to rely on, financially anyway, that I'm afraid he's forgotten how to support himself. Granted, thousands of people support themselves (plus families sometimes) and hold down jobs while they put themselves through school all the time -- people far less intelligent and capable than Jason. Still, I know that his first reaction will be "I can't ..."

Which may be exactly why I need to do this. Doesn't make it any easier for me though. Damn that overly-developed sense of responsibility anyway! :)

Lots to ponder, lots to consider.

Meow!

Kitty in Exile -- Part VI

Well, I've been here almost a month now. It's been an interesting journey of self-discovery. Some of the things I've learned about myself are, in no particular order:

1) I actually really enjoy living in a clean, tidy apartment. And when it's just me, it's not all that hard, physically or mentally, to keep it that way.

2) I'm discovering that I am more capable of managing things on my own than I had given myself credit for.

3) Cooking meals for yourself really isn't all that hard. Neither is cleaning up after yourself after cooking.

4) I don't have to resort to fast food take-out every night during Tech Week of a show.

5) "Break and Bake" cookie dough is evil. They are very convenient, and also quite tasty. Hence the evil part.

6) I'm spending a lot less money by only shopping for myself than I ever did with Jason. Even though he supposedly contributed to the food budget.

7) I much prefer knitting with aluminum needles than with bamboo. Probably because I'm a very tight knitter. The fact that I've done enough knitting to know that, having only started a month and a half ago, is very telling.

8) Based on the pictures Jenni took from Die Fledermaus, I don't actually look as bad on stage as I thought I did. In some shots, I'm actually pretty. Wow! Who knew?

9) I'm beginning to suspect that Jason is, and has been for some time, feeling threatened by me. Specifically, by my successes (albeit small ones) and developing feelings of self-confidence.

10) I think possibly Jason's whole "I'm not capable of doing XX so you're going to have to do it for me" mentality is a subconscious (or maybe not all that subconscious) way of exerting dominance over me by making me do what he wants, and forcing me into a position where I have to do it in order to protect my own interests (e.g. paying all the bills).

11) I don't take well to being dominated (okay, this is not exactly a revelation). I don't mind being directed, and actually enjoy being mentored and coached. Domination, though, not so much. I'm realizing all the bosses I've ever had that I didn't get along with and/or didn't care for were the ones that tended towards a dominating relationship with subordinates.

12) I have had many small successes in my life, both personally and professionally. None of which were impacted in any way by any action of Jason's. He didn't make me a success, nor has he kept me from it.

13) Getting up in the morning and going to work has become, if not a joy, then at least tolerable. Much more so than it has been in the past several months.

14) I am more talented, in many ways, than I usually give myself credit for.

15) I'm thinking that I might actually enjoy moving in to a management/leadership position at work. Not executive level or anything like that, but a lower level of management. I also think I'd enjoy learning about and training for such a position.

16) I don't need Jason in my life nearly as much as he needs me. That is not to say that I don't want him in my life. Because I do. But (I think) I'm learning the difference between "want" and "need" in a relationship.

17) I think I now understand why some of the "old time" members of the Seattle Gilbert & Sullivan Society have been doing shows with them for so long. What a wonderful theatre family they were during Fledermaus!

18) I'm oddly proud of the two knit scarves I have finished. Especially the blue cashmere/merino blend in the basketweave pattern. I'm in great danger of becoming addicted to knitting, if I'm not there already.

So, yeah. Some interesting stuff (yeah, right ...). I've got this place for another month, and then we'll just have to see where life takes me from there.

Meow!

Kitty in Exile -- Part V

Okay, two clarifications:

1) I was in no way, shape or form drunk when I posted on Saturday. Just depressed. Trust me, it takes a heck of a lot more than a single glass of wine to get me toasted.

2) I only mentioned that I MIGHT have "gone there" with Squirrel Boy in my depressed and vulnerable state. Probably not. On further contemplation, almost definitely not. 'Cause I'm about 99.99% sure the "Ew" factor would have kicked in pretty dang quick.

That is all. For now anyway.

Oh yeah, and anyone reading this blog should come see Die Fledermaus next weekend at Town Hall! :)